Moonlight
by silvanelf
Summary: A tongue in cheek Moonlight spoof. One-shot.


**Disclaimer: Alas, I don't own Moonlight.**

**A/N:** This is all very tongue in cheek…hopefully you'll find it funny. **; )**

Please forgive typos and…

Enjoy!

_Moonlight_

Hello! This is a story about Mick St. John, a hot, hunky, sexy vampire, with just the perfect touch of shy vulnerability, yet strong and manly. This is his story. Okay…let's go!

We find our hero in the Fortress of Style…so nicknamed for the obvious style our hero just oozes from every aspect of himself, and if you disagree with that assessment in the slightest, well then obviously you must not be a true rabid fan.

Anyways, we find our hunky hero in the Fortress of Style, (FOS for short) practicing his angst poses. You know, closing his fist and drawing it down in the air in front of his face as he closes his eyes sort of thing. Or the classic leaning against the doorway, eyes closed, resting your head on your arm, before sighing wistfully and turning away. (*author sighs wistfully and turns away, to demonstrate*)

Little does our hero know that his practicing is about to be interrupted by a cute, spunky reporter named Beth, who apparently has trouble grasping the concept of waiting behind. It's a flaw for sure, if she is to be our damsel in distress, (DID for short) but hey, nobody's perfect—not even our hero. (*the author realizes she has blasphemed by implying that our hero is anything less than perfection.* *apologizes*)

But back to our cute, spunky reporter who is smarter than a dog and so doesn't stay on command. This is Beth Turner…a modern woman, smart, intelligent, she don't need no stinkin men to tell her how to live her life…she's independent! And sassy! (Always a turn on.) Yet at the same time, she conveys a neediness for those very men she says she doesn't need…she expects chivalry, romantic gestures, wooing, while at the same time being insulted when the gentleman points out that she wants these things. This is why men will never understand women.

As our hunky hero goes into angst pose #47, our spunky, (yet needy), reporter knocks on the door to the FOS, grumbling to herself that our hero has yet to give her one of those sweet magical remotes to open the door.

Startled, our hero stumbles out of angst pose #47 and stubs his toe on the coffee table.

He cries out, "OUCH!"

Our independent, (yet needy) Beth hears the cry from the other side of the door, and immediately draws her gun from her stylish purse, (or not so stylish, depending on the episode) and moves away from the door to the glass window which reads 'Mick St. John, Private Investigations.' She raises the gun to shatter the glass, so she can reach inside and open the door, thus entering the FOS.

Meanwhile, our hero has grabbed his foot, and hopped to the door, confused when he sees no one on his security camera which his best friend Mr. Paranoia probably hooked him up with. Our hero opens the door and sticks his head out, sees our DID, and shouts, "HEY!" stopping our sassy, (yet needy), reporter when the gun is at the perfect cliché of centimeters away from shattering the glass.

Our heroine spins around, gasping quite dramatically, and says "Hey," in a voice that promises many happy things for our hero if only he could just get over his issues.

Our hero responds, "Hello, Beth, who is sassy." (The author would like to note that our hero did not add the 'yet needy' thus showing that his male brain does not understand the female psyche. Alas.)

Our intrepid, (yet needy), reporter answers, "Hey Mick, who is a hot, hunky, sexy vampire, with just the perfect touch of shy vulnerability that only my love can heal, yet strong and manly."

Our hero looks confused. There is an awkward silence in the hallway outside the FOS—you know, the kind where no one knows what to say, and wind up scuffing their feet. Our hero would have scuffed his foot, but since his toe still hurt from when he stubbed it against his coffee table, our hero decides to go for awkward glances anywhere but our heroine's face. This lasts for about 30 seconds before our strong, (yet needy), Beth huffs, "Aren't you going to invite me in?"

Our hero's heart flutters nervously, and his expression is one of shy vulnerability as he politely invites our DID inside the FOS.

He shuts the door behind them as our spunky, (yet needy), female lead sets down her stylish, (or not so stylish) purse, and sits down on the sofa.

Our hero is unsure what to do with himself. As a guy, he is of course hoping that this visit will lead to sex, but his angsty issues make this situation a lot more difficult than this has to be. (As numerous fanfictions have aptly demonstrated.) Finally, he decides to lean against his kitchen island, crossing his arms across his chest, and looking perpetually cool, (which is the vampire's curse).

Our shy, (yet manly) hero asks nonchalantly, (yet really anxious inside, but his male ego won't let him express that, except in voice over.) "What are you doing here, Beth, who is spunky?" (The author would again point out that he is still missing the 'yet needy'…)

Our DID, a straightforward woman who knows what she wants, (yet needy), answers boldly, "I'm here because I want to have sex with you."

If only I had written that our hero was taking a sip of blood so that I could have him spit it out, but alas, I did not, so I (the author) will have to settle with our hero choking on his saliva instead.

Our hero responds with a touch of hope and disbelief in his voice, "You're here for…for…for…"

Our heroine, impatient, (and needy), interrupts, "Yes, I'm here to do the nasty, jump your bones, get some, do the horizontal tango…if only you can overcome your angst, which, while it does give you hot, shy vulnerability, is also friggin annoying."

Before our hero can respond to this list of euphemisms, in a totally unforeseen and unexpected plot twist the door swings open and into the Fortress of Style walks our hero's ex-wife Coraline—who is sexy, and dangerous, and mischievous, though she claims she is only just misunderstood, and if you would only take the time to read some fanfiction about her, you would sympathize with her.

Our antagonist, who is mischievous, (yet misunderstood), saunters into the FOS with a coy smile, while greeting her ex-husband, "Hello, Mick, my ex-husband who is shyly vulnerable, yet manly."

"Hello, Coraline, who is dangerous," our hero responds, again missing the key fact of the woman's psyche. "What are you doing here?"

Our antagonist, who is evil, (yet misunderstood), purrs, "Why, I'm here to have sex with you, of course."

Our angst-ridden hero chokes on his saliva again, while the readers of this story wonder if the author might be setting up a ménages à trois, and our DID angrily jumps to her feet.

"No way!" our Beth, who is confident, (yet needy), shouts. As a modern woman she is not scared of fighting off competition. She glares at our antagonist, and looks around for the nearest chair, so she can break off its leg and stab our femme fatale. As a strong, confident woman, our antagonist prepares to defend herself.

Our hero is frozen in a moment of indecisiveness, as he connects the dots of the love triangle thrust upon him. Does he choose the light-haired woman, or the dark-haired woman, who together enact a cool, but glaringly obvious symbol of good and evil, (though evil claims she is just misunderstood). Our hero's face is tortured as he contemplates the choice he has to make, and in order to buy himself time, he moves into angst pose #23.

Meanwhile, our DID, who is spunky (yet needy), and our antagonist, who is bad, (yet misunderstood), start a fight over who will get to sleep with our hot, hunky hero, and heal his soul through their love.

Just as our hero's thoughts have reached the glorious idea of a ménages à trois, another unforeseen and unexpected plot twist occurs, as the door opens again, and a _dues ex machina _walks in, our hero's best friend, Mr. Paranoia, Mr. Snark, aka, Josef Kostan/Konstan/Konstantin/Konstantine/Constantine, OR Charles Fitzgerald. (Pick your favorite.) For the purposes of this story we'll pull another possible version of a last name out of the pool, and refer to Mr. Snark, as Josef Kon, or JK. (Or just hottie, depending on the author's mood).

Hottie steps inside the apartment, simply drenched in power and money, and mansions and sports cars and sex and blood, and *author slaps herself to get back on track.* *'pologies*

As I was saying, Mr. Snark, who is damn hot, (yet tragic), walks into the FOS, playing the role of _dues ex machina_ which suits him just fine, because it means that he gets the role of God in this drama, and of course, he has the body and power of a God, and rabid fangirls worship him.

Our trusted sidekick, who is powerful, (yet tragic), greets his friend, "Hello boyo. Well, it certainly seems you have a problem here don't you?" But about only ¾ of the readers understand what he says, while the other ¼ of readers scratch their heads, and ask the readers who did understand, "Huh? What did he say?"

Our hero replies, "You can say that again."

To which, JK, who is a smartass, (yet tragic), snarks, "Hello boyo. Well, it certainly seems you have a problem here don't you?"

Our hero glares, "Not now, my annoying, (yet tragic), best friend. What am I going to do? Both my main love interest, Beth, who is sassy, and my ex-wife, Coraline, who is sexy, want to do the nasty with me."

Our sidekick who is rich, (yet tragic—because money can't buy happiness), answers with his solution to everything, "Kill one of them. That's what I would do."

Our hero, who is noble and thus the idea of killing goes against his morals, arches a brow, "Really, that's what you'd do?" (The author would like to interrupt the flow of the story here, since she mentioned an eyebrow, and say that the movie "Twilight" would have been a hell of a lot more enjoyable if Edward had friggin plucked his eyebrows. It was like two fuzzy caterpillars eating his forehead. Now back to the story…)

Our hero, who is honorable and thus the idea of killing repulses him, arches a brow, "Really, that's what you'd do?"

Mr. Hottie, who is stylish, (yet tragic), considers it, and realizes, "Actually, no. I'd do it with both of them…"

Our DID shoots JK a look, thus giving birth to JoBe, their fanfiction love child.

Coraline, our femme fatale antagonist, who is misunderstood, saunters over to JK. "Josef, who is attractive, (yet tragic), (exactly like me), let's have sex. I don't need to have sex with Mick. As a courtesan, I just want to get some with a hot, angsty vampire."

Our sidekick turns his smoldering, (yet tragic), brown eyes to her, conveying his heartbreak, (yet strength and manliness), and says, "But what about Sarah Whitley, my one true love, who we know nothing about because she wasn't given a personality except for the two seconds of my one and only flashback, where she appeared innocent and sweet?"

Our antagonist, who is tricky, (yet misunderstood), answers, "Silly Josef, who is smoking hot, (yet tragic), episode 10 hasn't happened yet. Your Sarah, who is innocent, (yet strong, from fanfic authors' inference) does not yet exist in canon. And since your soulful brown eyes quite obviously expressed sadness over talking about my 'death' when Beth came to you in episode 9, in a pretty awesome scene, it is obvious that we must have had a relationship before."

Our sidekick and _dues ex machina_, who is cool, (yet tragic), gives a devilish grin, and offers his arm to our antagonist, who is dangerous, (yet misunderstood), and says, "I have a flashy red sports car, which will take us back to my mansion on the hills, which we only got to see in the first episode due to the budget."

Our antagonist, who is sexy, (yet misunderstood) takes JK's arm, noticing his smooth rippling muscles, and his very attractive body—thus appealing to a female audience. Together, they saunter out of the FOS, thus leaving our hero, who is strong, (yet shyly vulnerable), alone with our heroine, who is sassy, (yet needy). Another awkward silence ensues, and out of habit our hero enters angst pose #99.

Our female lead, who is modern, (yet needy in an old-fashioned romantic way), crosses to where our hero stands in angst pose #99. She takes his arm, in a delicate touch, as the fangirls squee and aww. "Please Mick, who is angst-ridden, yet manly. Let me heal your vulnerable heart with my love. Let's have sex. You don't have to carry the world on your shoulders." Our heroine Beth, who is strong, (yet needy), could have displayed her intelligence by making a reference to the Greek figure Atlas who does indeed carry the world on his shoulders, but our female lead opts out of showing off how smart she is, as men don't like feeling stupid—part of the whole male ego thing.

Our hero moves out of angst pose #99, and gathers our heroine into his arms, as the readers hold their breath and bite their nails, hoping and praying for the author to give them a hot love scene. *the author thinks about it.*

"Beth, who is spunky, I don't know if I can do this." Our hero draws our damsel in distress into angst pose #11 with him.

Suddenly, in another completely unforeseen and startling plot twist, the door to the FOS opens a third time, and in walks the second love triangle, ADA Josh Lindsey, aka, our spunky, (yet needy), Beth's boyfriend, and just an overall great catch, and standup guy, who has a talent for making romantic gestures like cooking chicken.

Our complication, who is an overall great catch and standup guy, is shocked to see his love in the arms of another man. He says, with just the perfect touch of hurt in his voice, yet with not even a bit of asshole-ness (thus making him impossible to hate by the rabid fans), "Beth? What are you doing?"

But before our DID can do anything, a shot rings out and ADA Josh Lindsey, an overall great catch, and standup guy falls to the floor of the FOS, and starts bleeding to death, thus allowing Beth the easy way out of dealing with her love triangle.

Our hero bravely springs to the window, where this week's villain is standing with a gun, and snaps his neck, thus SAVING THE DAY!!! (But not Josh, who is dying…)

Our DID sobs and clutches at Josh, who is an overall great catch and standup guy, and now is dying because the author decided to take the easy way out. Our heroine cries and screams, and then gets over it, because she is meant to be with our hero, and so her overall great catch and standup guy never stood a chance.

Our hero gathers our fiery, (yet needy), Beth into his arms, and places a soft kiss to her lips, and wipes the tears from her eyes.

Our DID sniffles as the readers 'awww' and rests her head on our hero's shoulder, as they hold each other romantically.

Our hero cups the chin of our female lead, who is sassy, (yet needy), and says, "I'm sorry that Josh, your boyfriend, who was an overall great catch and standup guy is dead…but his death has taken away the last obstacle between us, (other than my angst, your stubbornness, the fact that I'm a vampire and you're a human, and our daily opposite schedules), and I realize that I love you and that you heal my soul."

Our female lead, who is cute and needy, smiles through her tears, and declares, "Let's make implied love."

"Okay," our hunky hero, who is shyly vulnerable, (yet strong and manly) agrees. He takes our heroine's hands in his, and leads her upstairs to the FOS's master bedroom, where they will have sex on the floor, because apparently he doesn't own a bed, and the screen fades to black. And the readers sigh happily and leave the author reviews, expressing either their enjoyment or dislike of this story.

The End

~_Fin_~

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Hope you got a few laughs! *hugs readers*


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